It’s been a fairly productive couple of weeks here in my neck of the woods. I have not forgotten the audio uploads; I need to print the necessary articles off so I can read them and upload in audio format. I have a new technology set-up that I am still getting the hang of. Once the printer is set up (details below), I’ll get to printing off those articles so I can read them and get them uploaded as part of the accompanying podcast that I want to start.
What’s been published?
So far, three essays in the Relationship Search series have been published (listed from the most recent back): “Thawing,” “Exploration,” and “Movement.” The fourth essay in this series will be published on Thursday, July 4, at 12:12pm EDT.
Thawing
Hello! Welcome to Olivia Rose’s Ongoing Growth & Reflection, a (currently) weekly-ish newsletter. I (Olivia Rose) am one-sixteenth of the Amtrak System, a dissociative system established to keep me, Olivia Rose, safe. This is pairing number three (3) in the ongoing
Exploration
Hello! This is Olivia Rose’s Ongoing Growth & Reflection newsletter, where there are (at the moment) occasional posts. I (Olivia Rose) am one-sixteenth of the Amtrak System, a dissociative system helping to support me through the most challenging of situations.
Furthermore, a fourth essay was published on Sunday, July 23 regarding my project in progress, Sometimes, the Hard Conversations. Here’s that link.
I am writing new poems like clockwork. I won’t be posting them at this current time, but I like how they’ve been written so far.
New ideas!
So, when I was reading the Poetry Foundation’s Poem of the Day in my email, I noticed one from Edna St. Vincent Millay, “I think I should have loved you presently” and I really loved this line:
Naked of reticence and shorn of pride
which promptly inspired a short story with a theme of vulnerability that I think I’ll work on when I begin my new notebook I purchased from Staples last week.
Still, because I have so many ideas, I keep post-it notes at the ready, so I can stay connected to the free-flowing ideas that come to me. I also have some song-pairing essays as well, which would be using a song from any period in my life to connect to my life in greater depth. That’s going to end up being a playlist when (and if?) I’m done that series.
The Amtrak System
I (Olivia Rose) am getting more used to the fact I am a part of a System, and that this System is supposed to help the body (me, Olivia Rose) be well. That’s my personal understanding. And like, I’m not even mad or frustrated at the morning fight over the radio. That is no exaggeration: in my head, there is a literal fight for the radio to play whatever song. I will go from “Judgement (Faith & the Muse)” by L’Ame Immortelle to “Eden” by Hooverphonic, and I am not conscious of it. At all. And from there, I could end up humming “Departing Gate” by Near the Parenthesis and then be humming “Life will never be the same again” by L’Ame Immortelle and then humming “This Love” by Craig Armstrong f/ Elizabeth Fraser and then maybe “I Was Made for Loving You” by KISS and honestly… at first, it was jarring to be like, wait, I was just humming that… now this?! Now, I just roll with it. That happens most mornings, without fail, especially when I am in the shower. It is a fight for their song on the radio.
I just got my period. Recently, it has been a huge trigger for me because I am reminded of my sexual abuse when I was twelve and on my period. I require a high level of support when I am on my period, including reminders to use the bathroom and clean up. I also have a very heavy flow, making it even more difficult for me to feel clean no matter how many wipes I use or how much soap & water I use. It never feels clean enough, you know? I could scrub (and have) myself and it’s just… tiring, honestly.
Raj, a System member and the only male, is now helping me during this time to help me reduce trauma symptoms (I already use my headphones to listen to music, otherwise I will just sit in the bathroom, seething and traumatized during this time) by changing my pad and incontinence product, as necessary, and giving Olivia Rose time to rest. If he would like to explain, he’ll let me know and we can set that time up.
I have the feeling that a lot of what other System members share would be through just an audio post as opposed to my transcription of the same. Especially for those whose language is limited, like a lot of our littles (our System is mainly littles, honestly). I want for them to be welcomed into this community of protectors, and sometimes their needs are needier than the body’s or that of other alters/parts. I don’t want them to think their voices are discounted or unwanted just because they are littles.
And while it would be for another post entirely, I don’t know what our longer-term treatment would look like. I mean, ever since Tonni, Aja, and Beth came initially in May 2022 (I was 31, working a new job, had a co-worker die, and living in a home situation that was unaccommodating due to other house members arguing all hours of the day and night. I also could not access my natural support who lived two hours away) and this all coalesced into a nearly sleepless night and a realization that these parts need to be heard, integrated, and validated as their own people. I immediately knew that, with no questioning and no other thought: expression, validation, integration.
And then, when I went to the hospital, I was given a new antipsychotic and my budding system was dismissed.
It has only been through meeting my current partner that this System, as it is now, has felt safe enough to speak because my partner appreciates me, understands the level of trauma I have experienced, and he doesn’t belittle or mock me (like my ex did). He’s seen me through some violence and confusion, and my God, he’s fucking spectacular. How did I, did we, get so lucky?
Now, of late, I can hear the different conversations happening among System members. I am not even fazed by it. I just mentioned to my partner, hey, I can hear my System, and he was glad. If not for him, we’d not be at this point right now.
And still, I know I don’t have a diagnosis (my MMPI returned an “invalid” assessment when I completed it earlier this year because, from what I understand, my answers were all over the place and answered in such a way that “the most seriously mentally ill would not have answered.”) of a dissociative disorder, from what my partner sees, I definitely have signs and symptomology of such. For the record, I do have autism, major depressive disorder, and PTSD. I don’t agree with the PTSD diagnosis and feel a C-PTSD diagnosis would be more accurate due to the ongoing and repeated trauma that I have survived. In any case: I have this System that I am beginning to collaborate with with more frequency. My menstrual cycle has been a tougher one this month with pulsating cramps and horrible tremors, but I have Raj’s help for his timeliness, ability to be efficient & get the job done, as well as his compassion to help me through this time.
Still, I can see the inner world (“headspace”) as the system moves through and around it. I can see the rooms that my members use, the hallways and other common areas.
But, I should… I made it, with my partner’s help. Before headspace, my System was crowded into one room. It was loud, chaotic, and painful. I had panic attacks for a few days every week. I had constant rage and upset. I was miserable. I had meltdowns; my Littles had temper tantrums. It was horrible.
But it is getting better. Getting easier.
So What’s Next?
The next installment of the Relationship Search series will be released on Thursday, July 4, 2024, at 12:12pm EDT.
My partner helped me set up my printer! I just need to purchase new ink for it, which I’ll do tomorrow when I get paid, etc. (#StaplesRun) Once that’s up & running, I can begin to read for the audio portion of this newsletter. It is a long time coming.
Other, smaller updates will happen as I get them.
This is a couple days late. I woke up late on Friday, and then Saturday I was relaxing and not really working on this newsletter.
Your next biweekly update will be on Friday, July 12, 2024. Once I get my printer up and running (soon!!!) I can begin to work on those audio posts and so much more. So many dreams, at last can come true.
Until next time.